OMG!!!!!

OMG!!!! When I weighed this morning I weighed 245.4. That is 14.2 lbs. Holy Cow!!!! Kerry started out at 305 and he was down to 289 this morning. men always lose it faster...LOL Sunday when I started it was still new to me so it was ok. Monday I thought ...Oh my gosh I have to eat like that again???? Tuesday I thought "I can't do this!" Why am I torturing myself like this. But I saw that I had already lost 10 lbs AND had started my menstrual cycle all at the same time. HHHmmmmmm.....That told me it was working. I am psyched. I know people think - there is no way she lost that m,uich weight! I promise I did. I wouldn't believe it myself. I do not like staying on the toilet though....LOL It is like having a stomach virus at times, but it was my body's way of getting rid of the crap that I had been hauling in for the past 8 months. I am not swelling anymore - hallelujah! I can bend and tie my shoes again....I am going to keep pushing forward. Each week will be a new challenge, but I know that I am learning to eat good and that is important. I have to remember to keep up the LEAN part of the low carb. That has helped a lot. Adam and Ethan's party is today and is angers me that I cannot eat a piece of cake. I guess that when I get control of everything maybe I will be able to. Right now I would not be able to control myself. Have a great day!

WOW

Well, Sunday morning I weighed 259.6. Today, Monday evening, I weighed 252.0 lbs. How insane is that? I know most of that is water weight, but who cares?!?!?!?? I am already sick of meats and proteins and will be so thankful when I can add veggies and fruits next week. Who ever thought I would be excited about that??? LOL Well, I will just keep on keeping on!

Low Carb vs. Low self esteem

Well, I have finally succeeded in weighing the MOST I have ever weighed in my entire life. I am so uncomfortable it takes everything I can to get my fat butt off of the couch! Ugh!!! I think that the Celexa that I am taking has something to do with the massive weight gain and am gong to talk to my doctor about it. I thought about getting a lap band and even called insurance and checked on it, but my wonderful insurance does not think that obesity is a major problem (obviously) because they don't pay for ANY tuype of weight loss surgeries or programs. How crazy is that? Kerry thinks that I have diabetes because my ankles are swelling so much and I have a spot on my leg that won't heal and now have a HUGE bruise on my foot that I have no idea how it happened. A friend of mine has lost a lot of weight on a low carb diet, so I think I will try that route first. I am not hungry, but right now would love to just go tear up the refrigerator and eat everything I can find. Especially sweets. I love sweets!

Well I finally went back to weight watchers today. That seems to be the only thing that works - not sure why. It is so much easier to count points than it is to count calories, fats, and proteins.; ugh!!! I am at 248. Right where I started. How sick is that? I am sitting down tonight to make out a menu for next week. I have already decided that my husband can do this with me or without me - it doesn't matter...

I guess I better get back to cleaning house!

Not Happy

I am so not happy tonight.....I weighed in at our school weigh in and it showed I had only lost 2 lbs. there is no way! My scales show that I have lost 6! Are you kidding? My first thought was "What the heck! I have starved all week for nothing, but then realized that I had had plenty to eat. I have to change my mind set. It is so hard.

Food Log:

Bagel with cream cheese - 5

coffee with creamer - 1

yellow rice and beef strips - 7

lima beans - 1

green beans - 0

yogurt - 1

I got a Sub tonight, but have not decided if I will eat half or the whole thing. It's a healthy light sub, so the whole thing won't hurt, right? Maybe I will eat half and some peanut butter.; who knows???

Thank you Kara for all of your support! I could never repay you!

Weekend is over and I made it!

Food Log for Monday:

WW muffin - 3

coffee with creamer - 2

banana - 2

barley vegetable casserole - 4

grilled salmon - 4

cheez its - 3

taco salad - 6

Food Log for Saturday

6"sub - 6

coffee with creamer - 2

string cheese - 1

fiber one bars - 4

banana - 2

chinese with rice - 9

corn on the cob - 2

peanutbutter - 3....this was my bedtime snack...LOL

I am on the hunt for Better Than Peanut Butter.

Where is it Julie???????

Day 2

When I woke up this morning I actually felt half human for the first time in months. I wasn't real swollen. So that is good. I am trying to decide what I want for breakfast. So many choices. :) PTO is feeding us at school today. I really want to eat. Usually they feed us pizza and salad and dessert....YUM!!! I am going to take my lunch and stay strong though.

Thank you for texting me last night Kara. The night time is usually the worst. It helped me more than I can tell you.

Bagel with cream cheese - 6

coffee with creamer - 2

salmon with rice - 8

broccoli w/cheese - 0

goldfish - 3

subway turkey sub - 6

I did not eat the pizza for lunch! I did have to walk by and smell it...LOL

Adam had 2 friends over tonight and I ordered 2 large Pizza Hut Pan Pizzas. I also got them chocolate chip cookies. I did not touch a bit of it. I am so proud of myself today. :)

Almost

I have almost made it through my first day successfully! I even had a milestone! Someone gave me a brownie today (my FAVORITE food). It was like having a million dollars in my hand. Well, I had to give the brownie to my son. It was like I had handed over my life savings...LOL I did feel good about it though. Thank you so much Julie for e-mailing me this morning. It really kept me focused. Every time I passed by my computer I saw your e-mail. I am fixing to have taco soup. LOVE IT!!!! Today's points:

WW muffin - 3

Coffee with creamer - 2

Banana - 2

Chinese w/rice - 9

broccoli and cheese - 0

String Cheese - 1

Bite of hamburger helper????

2 cups taco soup - 3

baked scoops - 3

WW yogurt - 1

Fat Free Cool Whip - 3 ( I am alloting 3 points because I ended up eating what was left in the container)...Ha...Ha

27 Points...I am supposed to be at 26.

Good enough for the day though. One day down!

Who knows?????

Yesterday could have been worse. I guess that is all I have to say. I started out wonderfully and then by lunch had every excuse in the world as to why I should eat something I didn't need.

Breakfast: flat bread toast (whole grain), 2 egg whites, roast beef (low-fat) and WW cream cheese. Lunch: Doritos and Spinach dip. Supper: Honey roasted dipped chicken fingers (oven baked) and homemade mac and cheese. Then fat free pudding and cool whip for dessert.

I hope that today will be a better day. My fat pants are tight and uncomfortable. When you get this big NOTHING looks good or even "OK." I love jean day. I can wear my "old lady jeans", you know the ones with the elastic waist...LOL You'll see me in them tomorrow. :)

Please give me strength to make it through the day and into this afternoon and tonight. E-mail, text, call me tonight and make sure that I am not "pigging" out!

I would love more than anything to get back to the gym. One problem! Shame, Humiliation, and Embarassment! What will people think when they see me? What will Joe think? He worked so hard to get me where I was and look at how much I am going to disappoint him. What in the world will he think when he sees me?

Yes, Julie, the first day back will be the hardest. I know I have to suck it up and go. Easier said than done! Maybe I will wait until I lose about 10 or 15 lbs before I go back, that way I won't be so "shocking" when I walk through the door. Who knows...Yes, kara we need to get back. Your wedding is a few weeks away...I know...easier said than done!

I have to go to work and be uncomfortable for the rest of the day...Ugh!!!!!

WHY???

Where do I start??? I sure do wish I could turn back the clock to June. Here it is, March, and I am back up to 247 lbs. Why??? How???? How do I let food consume my every thought? Why do I let it consume my every thought? Why does it make me feel so happy? What am I missing in my life that I need food for? WHY???WHY???WHY??? What do I do now? Why can't I get a grip? What in the hell is wrong with me? Why did I just eat a box of swiss rolls? Why do I eat so much that I make myself sick. What am I trying to fulfill or avoid? My job is great, my family is healthy...what is my problem? I guess I will start over again tomorrow. start over again for the one hundredth time. I asked a friend of mine yesterday to call me twice within the evening and make sure I was eating like I was supposed to. I guess she is so wrapped up in her 90 lb weight loss that she can't even pick up the phone and offer support to the one person who supported her for the last year on her weight loss journey. Very unfortunate! How uncomfortable I am. Everything hurts. My legs are swelling, my ankles are swelling and I can't sleep at night. Even with all of this I still can't wait to get home and relish in a box, bowl, or plate of something. It doesn't even matter what it is anymore! FOOD!!!! maybe if I start journaling again it will help. Any offers of encouragement out there would be wonderful!